just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
