and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
