Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
