i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
