I just threw up on my dentist
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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