even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
