I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
