It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
