I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
