i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
