My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
