now i know why i became what i already was.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
