Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
