god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the condom got lost in my hair
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
