I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I believe in your delicious
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
