I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize