its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
