I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize