moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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