Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
