Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
