omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
