I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize