Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
