I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
