just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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