I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
