can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize