I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize