I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
