u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
