I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How does one acquire holy water?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize