Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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