I got chris browned last night
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
