dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
