ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
