she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
