8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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