Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
