apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
