I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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