Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
