i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
