youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
