i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
