He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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