I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
