Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
