I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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