I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
