all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
