Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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