Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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