Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
