***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
