I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
even my farts smell like vagina
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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