I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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