i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
