wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
